A client said something profound to me last week – she said that she had been unable to post on FB because she had been in a dark place, she didn’t want to bring people down and the ‘false positivity’ of FB made her feel physically sick.
I understood at once because I’ve been a little ‘absent’ from FB myself as my life has been less than rosy. I’ve been ‘absent’ because I didn’t want to bring you down.
I was running an old script I was told as a child “if you’ve got nothing nice to say then say nothing at all”. Though I think the sentiment behind that mantra has good intentions, the actual impact it had was to stop me standing up for myself, trying to be a nice or good girl, not causing a fuss, not saying what I’m thinking because it may be seen as mean.
But sometimes we just have to make a stand, sometimes we have to say “enough is enough!” Sometimes we just have to serve up the sh*t going on in our lives – however unpalatable it may be.
I’ve been hiding because I was beating myself up for the situation in my life that I felt ‘I should’ have been able to fix, because I am an adult, a life coach and an intuitive. But I’m now calling bullshit on that stinking thinking and I am about to lay it all bare…
Trying to keep it together
Over the past 3 years there have been times when I’ve barely been keeping it together as my partner’s daughter has gone into self-destruct mode at 13 and as a result has dragged us all into a world of drugs, street life, criminals and the under belly of society – a world that we neither know or comprehend.
I’ve been trying to manage my own feeling of guilt around not having a magic wand that I could wave to somehow stop her going down this path. My guilt at not being super human and somehow detaching from the drama which was triggering my own unresolved issues. I was feeling guilty for being human.
I’ve had 3 years of slowly increasing hell. Sometimes feeling like I was being held hostage in my own home – culminating in crisis about 2 months ago when the police arrived at our door to enforce order on the child to put the brakes on her personal journey to self-destruction. My whole being was crying out ‘this is not my world, this is not our world, we are all good and caring people … I don’t understand’ and so it was at this point my body finally went into shellshock crying “enough is enough!”
My GP prescribed anti-depressants to ‘take the edge off’ and then because it was just a mask for what was going on inside my heart went “you have to listen to me!” as my blood pressure hit critical 200/100 (apparently heart attack and stroke territory). To say I was scared was an understatement. But interestingly as I began to drown, finally the anger came up to meet me.
At first I was angry with the child and the situation, but I soon realised through my process that I was actually angry at myself. Not only had I allowed others to overstep my boundaries, I had not even put the damn things in place. Thoughts of ‘you get what you deserve’ and ‘you made your bed you better lie in it’ surfaced (which is not helpful in the least).
Owning my own sh*t
But I am lucky I have great healers in my network – I engaged a counsellor, a coach, my creative coaching mentor and Homeopath/Naturopath – all of which would call BS and shine a light into the dark places of guilt and shame, that had kept me trapped and feeling helpless. I am also lucky that I have the tools from my training and my creative practice to keep me open with an enquiring mind – even when it is painful to look inwards.
The thing is I know this is what I do for others, and I know for sure that we all need an unbiased coach on the outside of the drama looking in to be able to lower a hand in and help us climb out. As a very skilled life coach I knew this, but had forgotten in my quest to be Super Woman. I know that no matter fabulously talented you are as a coach you still need help from other coaches to deal with your own sh*t, because you are knee deep in it.
So this post is for my client who inspired me to be authentic, and own my own sh*t. This post is for my clients who come to me with their deep dark issues of guilt and shame and who feel lighter and freer as I do now. I’m throwing off the guilt, and I’m laying bare the situation I have at home to show FB land that not everything is always rosy.
I am a truth teller, a torch bearer, a trail blazer – I am a life coach and an expert in the art of play. Above all I am human and I’m showing up as myself.
So #showingup #beingvulnerable #beingme so that I can help you #beyou.
Don’t wait too long
Don’t wait until you make yourself really ill before you seek help – you are worth more than that. Get yourself a good coach and some creative self-care and you will be ok.
If you need any help from me let’s have a coffee and see how I can help you too. Email me @ firstname.lastname@example.org or PM me x
PS thank you to my self-care ‘pit team’ to David Challoner for keeping it real, to Jan Stein for keeping my energy in flow, to Whitney Freya for holding the torch of creativity and my soul for me, and Lynette and Kate at My Remedy for pointing my body and mind back towards alignment.