Some days it can be hard living with your own choices, even when you know it was the best thing for you.
I guess that is the thing about being an adult and making choices about your own life?
What brought this to mind, is 10 years ago last month I made the decision to come to NZ on a 5 week holiday and I didn’t return to the UK to live. I found myself a job, I fell in love with a wonderful man and I stayed in a country I feel I was meant to be in. At the time it all felt like a big adventure and now it feels like home.
One of the consequences of living on the other side of the world is I left all of my family and friends behind to follow my dream.
Though I go home every 2 or 3 years, each time it gets harder than the last because I see how much my parents have aged, and their mortality weighs heavier and heavier on my mind.
At the moment my Mam at the age of 74, is waiting for a test on her lungs because she is having trouble getting the energy to do anything for herself. Each bout of flu makes the situation worse, and this past 12 months there have been a lot of those bouts.
I feel torn between the need to go home and be there for her, and the need to stay in NZ where my life is. Plus the decision to leave my corporate role means funds for flights needs to be carefully considered. All of this leaves me feeling like a little boat tossed on an emotional sea of my own making.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy, or for anyone to start a Go Fund Angela’s trip to the UK page – far from it.
I want you to know that I understand the internal turmoil you face when you think about making a big change in your life.
I know what it is like first hand to make the right choice for you which will impact others.
I feel the upheaval, the guilt and the wondering ‘what if’ or ‘was it the right thing’ but I don’t let it stop me from going for what I know deep down is right for me.
These feelings I sit with, ebb and flow like the tides 90% up and 10% down. I work on myself, my thoughts and my actions and I keep on towards what I dream of. I do what I can for those my choices affect, but at the end of the day I only get one life and I need to live my version, not someone else’s.
So this message is not a poor me, I don’t need rescuing or advice – it is a message to you, to say I understand, I see you, I feel you and I am here to help you navigate your rough seas too.
And as for my Mam she would be mortified to know I feel guilty sometimes because she taught me to be independent and to fly. I am flying ….. and so can you.
If you need some help – reach out and book a Discovery session with me.